Numb

I am sitting in the staff room reading a magazine dated Dec 2008.

Nurse 1 - 'Oh hi Debs, not seen you for a while'

Nurse 2 - 'No I've been off, I've actually had a life!'

Nurse 1 - 'Life? What is this 'life' you speak of?'

Nurse 3 - 'Yeah. Not had one of them for months.'

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It's 21:25 and I am sat in the corridor waiting to go home. The are 20 of us and the drugs still haven't been checked. Everyone else is talking around me while I sit and listen. Everything sounded like it was coming from miles away. The crowd of navy and blue start moving and I leave the A&E entrance in the dark.

It's 21:45 and I am waiting alone at the bus stop. A couple are walking in my direction, and the man staggers into the road in front of a bus. The bus stops. The man staggers back onto the pavement and into the block of flats behind me.

At 20:30 I was in the assessment area, 12 waiting to be seen. You could barely move. The ambulance struggle through with yet another patient in need of an urgent ECG. 'Welcome to the party', I greeted. The 80 year old in cubicle 2 has had an accident and was now soaking wet. I spend 15 minutes undressing her, cleaning her, changing her sheet and redressing her. The are 17 waiting. I walk into the bin (in front of everyone - obviously). A woman in her 30s is screaming in pain. An elderly woman wretches, but brings nothing up. I am on my own as the assessment nurse is trying to get a space in resus for one of our ?TIA patients who has slurred speech and low BP. There is no space so he stays in majors. A man is writhing around on his trolley sucking on an entonox cylinder with all his might. A DSH under police custody is banging his head on the wall in the side room. As another ambulance crew brings a patient through the doors, I see a man being wheeled into resus with burns covering his face, head, chest and arms. I help a nurse with a pressure bandage that is going on an elderly lady's head to stop an arterial bleed. The tannoy sounds; 'Paediatric nurse and registrar to resus for paediatric trauma, ETA 4 minutes'. The night staff come on and I head off to the changing room.

It is 22:00 and I am on the bus. There is a young girl and boy at the back of the bus talking very loudly. The girl gets up and stumbles off the bus. Her tights are ripped. It is silent again, until a girl in front of me starts singing. She has a very sweet and serene voice. An ambulance drives by on blue lights.

I am off the bus and walking home, when I see a cat limping across the road with a poorly leg. I get home;

'Good day?'

'Yeah it was fine.'

I make a hot chocolate and go upstairs. I wonder how some of the patients are getting on. The poor night staff are in for an awful shift. I wonder if I will see the lady that wet herself on the A&E ward tomorrow. I am contemplating my day in my pyjamas, writing this on the back of my work 'off duty'. I glance at the poster on my wall;

Contemplation

If today was perfect there would be no need for tomorrow

I look at the time and think that I'd better sup up and go to sleep as I've got work tomorrow. My hot chocolate has gone cold and I am running out of space to write on the back of my rota.

I feel immune to everything around me.

I feel strong and composed.

I realise that I am smiling.

So I lay in bed.

Numb.