Disconsolate.

Disconsolate. That's the best word I can think of that describes the way I feel right now.

First post about Gemma.
Second post about Gemma.

She did it. She finally succeeded. On her 21st birthday. She's dead.

One of the paediatric nurses said she remembered the first time Gemma ever came to A&E. Female. 13. Problems at home. Deliberate self harm. Small cuts to left forearm. So very reminiscent of my first time. Ever seen the film 'Sliding Doors'? It's a bit like that. We started out the same, I took one path and she took the other. And I'll never know why.

When I looked at Gemma, and when I talked to her, I saw myself. I saw what I would have became.

Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am, but today, I feel guilt.